Hi Marsha, Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. Let's connect. Hugs! This does of course not help him nor me. Give it a try. SHE is the queen and should be chauffeured around, yada yada. I understand feeling like you want to run away and feeling the weight of being responsible for your parent's happiness. Everyone has choices and your mom has choices. Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? Hi! PostedJanuary 24, 2017 Things can always be worse. She needs to go to the roots of her unhappiness and change her thinking. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. If only I had her looks! If only I had his personality! Social comparison is an unending source of misery for most of us, because there will always be someone who is more beautiful, funnier, wiser, or richer. Often, we believe that if we cater to what everyone wants, theyll be happy and we can avoid unpleasant conflict. Everyone has their own guidance system, whatever it is they believe in whether thats intuition, angels, spirit guides, the Universe or God. Misery-Maker 9: Falling for the belief that you cant change. I just need a few things to get you going. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. They do not need to apologize, fix, or encourage you. Example [ extreme] you have the right to use drugs because you think it makes you happy. And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. Meg Selig is the author of Changepower! My mental health novels, including one about severe anxiety, are here. I feel this is unhealthy. You can call 911 next time she threatens suicide and say she is a danger to herself and potentially others. You're ahead of the game, too, in wanting to learn strategies on your own at the same time. We may know that life is better, easier, and less lonely when we were with each other, except when it isn't. At those times, it is tempting to assume . Skip to the front of the line by calling (888) 848-5724. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and Pinterest. Examples: I must be a dumb person to have made that mistake. I guess Ill never do anything right. Im such a moron!. Reflect to examine if you hold a core belief that you are responsible for your partner's feelings, or that their pain is your responsibility, or that it is your responsibility to keep your partner happy at all times. Dad proceeded to go downhill, falling & breaking his hip in 2014. I've always been a people-pleaser, the mediator, the one in the room who tries to see it from the fringe perspective. You stop listening from a comfortable, open position because once you start hearing your partners pain, you immediately start thinking, What did I do this time? I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Notice what makes you feel good about yourself. I blog here. What do I need to do now? For any occurrence, there are far more variables in play than you alone. People who can grow from their setbacks are more likely to succeed and to feel better about themselves. spirituality, Gut Health: My Experience with SIBO, Gut Inflammation, GERD and Stress, Blogs Give them the chance to experience exactly what they need to experience, and dont be afraid of it. We are supposed to be her entertainment committee as well as her sounding board for the chronic, non-stop complaints she vents 24/7. What do you have control over? Your family members are lucky to have you. Its the same for everyone else too. How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? Recent research suggests that you can even change aspects of your personality that seem inborn and permanent. How to stop the misery: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and positive self-talk. (for the past 10 years I've been living 'her' life, with little time for my own She has to get 'into' everything I'm doing ). Behind their backs it's another story entirely. Then tell them she can't live with you and she lives alone, this could be the trigger that gets her placed. I do what I can, in addition to taking her to doctors, paying all of her bills, orchestrating all of her care, etc etc etc, but in her mind, I don't spend enough time entertaining her, that's the issue. That led to a brain tumor diagnosis and placement for both of them in an Assisted Living Facility. These bad habits may seem like they relieve stressand they may indeed relieve stress in the short runbut they are false friends. When our daughter argues with her, I get triggered and upset. Don't even think about either outcome. Recall any times you took responsibility for what yourereallynot responsible for and consider how it impacted you. Your 2.5-year-old wants a particular sippy . What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? He pointed out that I shut off the TV when he comes in, (he hates TV, I love it) I don't change the music I'm listening to when he comes in and I won't even use the shelves he's cleared off as storage for me, instead I pay a storage facility. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. You deserve your own happy life! How to Stop the Misery: See a therapist, join a 12-step group, or call a friend. You just might eliminate this cause of anxiety and create inner peace. You may present yourself in one way when you actually feel a different way underneath. (I think its because I grew up with a loving father, who had massive mood swings, but he could be charmed out of them - My sister would cry, my brother would more often than not, be the target, but I was the one who could alwyas talk/joke him down.) How to tell between BPD behaviors and dementia behaviors? Its shocking how cruel we can be to ourselves. The only person you can truly change is yourself and how you deal with the abuse they dish out. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that focuses on our thoughts and actions, is effective in reducing the anxiety caused by responsibility for others happiness. So now let us examine the different steps you can take to soften the symbiotic reactivity of your intimate relationships and allow your partner to share their aching openly. She felt a responsibility to make sure her friend was okay. I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. Am I a terrible person? Science and Behavior Books. She hates everybody and has no friends, even though she acts so lovey dovey to everyone's face. I made a free mini course that guides you through three core practices of my bookJudgment Detox. Ask yourself: Would I like to change? It doesnt have to mean that you endorse what theyre doing. Dad is now in memory care and mom leans on me too much for emotional support. It's never the responsibility of someone else. You may find yourself trying to have fun in ways that are not really fun. It is true that we do need to be responsible for the portion of our happiness within our control but we also need to realize that we all affect each other's happiness and we are responsible for that. Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Shifting your thoughts and actions reduces anxiety. If a child knows that he or she can truly tell Mom and Dad anything and still be accepted and loved, then that child is more . Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. In this process, while youre allowing them to experience what they need to experience, and trusting that theyre being guided, just give yourself this opportunity to be in prayer for them. It is okay for you to make yourself and your life your first priority. I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. Johnson It can be hard to find moments of happiness in these uncertain times, but it can be even harder to hold onto those moments. This self-talk keeps you from getting the emotional support that you need. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. If she does not want to socialize, spend time and effort with others, well of course she will be lonely. As I teach in Step 4 of my bookJudgment Detox: The most loving thing we can do for someone is to accept them. You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. She also felt inadequate because she couldnt solve her friends problems. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. In closing, I offer this rephrasing: To each his own pain.. But as you change yourself and its hard in the beginning. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. Most of us have been taught that we are responsible for our loved ones feelingsthat we need to make sure they're not feeling sad or lonely. If they start getting reactive, defensive, or aggressive, take a breath and/or break. Is it? You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. There is a lot of suffering in life. Her work can be found on Role Reboot, Alternet, and on her blog: Two Parts Smart-Ass; One Part Wisdom. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Read more about escaping negative self-talk here: Heres an additional resource to further help you with your toxic guilt: https://www.just-me-i-am-me-mental-health-forum.com/post/7-ways-to-combat-toxic-self-talk-using-compassion, https://blog.iqmatrix.com/eliminate-guilt. Does this belief govern your life and well-being as well? Any "friends" she has I really think its because people feel sorry for her. Reviewed by Abigail Fagan. This responsibility for others happiness ultimately causes anxiety. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. 4. I feel guilty any time I am doing something for myself or having fun. I will go and borrow the book from my library today, that sounds great. Schnarch, D. M. (2012). Instead, find a way to hold on to yourself as your loved one is meeting their personal woes. I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. But its not helpful, kind or loving to try to impose change on anyone. | This question has been closed for answers. True, in some situations, like in your work life, you may often need to play a role to get by. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when its a team effort. Instead of comparing yourself to those who are better off, make a downward comparison to those who are suffering more than you are. If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, youll never enjoy the sunshine.Morris West. Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. This question has been closed for answers. Through acceptance you release the resistance youve placed within your relationship, clearing the way for healing and for you to access more loving thoughts and feelings. If you don't "play" she'll have to quit her negative behavior to get what she needs from you. You need to understand what you have power over and what you don't. You don't have the power to make your husband choose the right attitude, behavior, words. If not, see #10 below. He's had the shit end of the stick, lost his mum, dad and brother within a few years, was abused by his sister . Certainly, in any healthy relationship. Thanks for reaching out. Even if they dont believe, there is a guidance that we believe in that we have to trust is protecting them and guiding them. I'm not saying he needs to announce what happens to the world, but I don't feel that asking for some sort of closure can be asking too much. Certain hormones are known to help promote positive feelings, including happiness and pleasure. Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. 10/10/2016 16:38. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. Shes really struggling. Then ask yourself: Was I really responsible for what happened? Is it really my fault that he didnt ask me out again? Can I really control her drinking? Remind yourself that you can only really control your own behavior. It's a great pleasure and happiness to feel their support, even if they are not near me. Scribe Publications. That number felt too high for the reality of their current symbiotic avoidance of pain. There is a book that is broader than this specific topic but has wisdom that applies to taking responsibility for others' happiness. People who are hurting dont need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. You'll probably find this scenario quite common. As far as the 'suicide threat' goes, it's bs, you know that. Now I feel those shackles back on me. A practice of gratitude is one of the easiest and most rewarding good habits you can develop. One is an article on how to find mental health help, and the other is a list of hotline numbers. I'm going to. And she needs you! It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. Behavior like your husband's involves caring about himself but not others. How to Stop the Misery: Instead of comparing your situation to that of others, make your own life as good as possible. Nope. My husband has taken this thought process to the extreme, or at least it feels that way. She led a study about . I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder : ( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. I feel guilty any time I am doing something for myself or having fun. spirituality. I have felt responsible for my moms happiness due to guilt and after she passed feel responsible for her death. I know this one well. Such a process helps couples cut the symbiotic umbilical cord between them and dare to share their pain honestly, with no avoidance or censorship, and even without the need to solve or protect their spouse. Self-acceptance is usually a positive thing, but not if you are using it as an excuse to avoid the work of necessary change.
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